hey you.













I love how Tumblr teaches us how to be perfect criminals.

Also, if you’re burying a full body, make sure you bury them vertically. Satellites orbiting earth look for holes that are approx. 6ft long because that’s suspicious. Ideally though, drain your body of fluids in a tub ((mix fluids with bleach and let them soak before draining and take precautions to keep your house from smelling like death from your sink and whatnot. Draining the body also keeps decomp at bay a bit and makes it easier to portion)) and cut it to bits. It’s easier to bury a head than a whole body, and takes less time so you don’t have to tell your neighbors, “Oh, I’m night gardening!”
Also, if a dog happens across it, it’s more likely it will devour a single body part than all of your ex-husband.
Another method is to put it into a septic tank. They’re a plethora of bacteria, and the smell of waste covers the smell of decomposition very well.
You should also destroy all teeth, massacre the face and burn fingerprints/remove finger tips to keep from identifying by anything other than DNA.
…I didn’t come up with these ideas, just what I’ve gleaned from reading on the internet.

i used to joke about Tumblr teaching us how to get away with murder, but fuck, man

the thing is when i see this i want to go kill a man just because i have the knowledge

thanks tumblr

Remember when you’re at the crime scene to wipe down all surfaces and then take the victims hands and touch things with them. Pick up cups and run the hands along table tops. A room with zero fingerprints is very suspicious.
If you live near the ocean you can drain the body and cut up the cadaver into small pieces then mix it all together with fish parts and dispose of it easily by pretending to chum the water for fish and sharks. Actually do chum the water a bit before dumping in your victim to be sure there are plenty of hungry fish around. Stick around and fish for a while so anyone who happens to see you won’t get suspicious. This way you don’t have any body parts lying around waiting to be dug up and identified. Plus you might catch a marlin or something.


Don’t forget that the chances of being caught are greatly reduced if you murder someone who has no connection to you at all. Most murderers end up killing someone they know in some fashion, so they’re easily caught. Serial killers kill at random, hence why they can kill a lot before they screw up.
I am not a serial killer, honest.

I am seriously concerned for all of you

please don’t judge me for tagging this for future reference, IT’S FOR PURELY FICTIONAL PURPOSES OK


How to kill a bitch: a guide by tumblr


whenever dudebros go into some middle school biology spiel about how people are animals and men are just doing what male animals do

I just want to tell them

did you know:
jumping spider males are forced to dance for their mates, and if their courting dance is flawed the female eats him

u sure u wanna go about the animal kingdom

(via you-wish-you-had-this-url)


And here they are:
Thermoception:  Ability to sense heat and cold. Thermoceptors in the brain are used for monitoring internal body temperature.
Proprioception: The sense of where your body parts are located relevant to each other. 
Chronoception: Sense of the passing of time. Your body has an internal clock. 
Equilibrioception:  The sense that allows you to keep your balance and sense body movement in terms of acceleration and directional changes. 
Magentoception:  This is the ability to detect magnetic fields. Unlike most birds, humans do not have a strong magentoception, however, experiments have demonstrated that we do tend to have some sense of magnetic fields. 
Tension Sensors:  These are found in such places as your muscles and allow the brain the ability to monitor muscle tension.
Nociception:  In a word, pain.  This was once thought to simply be the result of overloading other senses, such as “touch”, but it has it’s own unique sensory system.  There are three distinct types of pain receptors: cutaneous (skin), somatic (bones and joints), and visceral (body organs).

This may get 2 notes this may get 1000. I don’t really mind, even if it helps one person i’m happy. I just want you to know that everything will be okay. I know you’re in a hard place right now where you think that maybe harming yourself or killing yourself is the only solution. But I promise you, there are other ways you can cope and there are reasons for you to stay on this earth. Self harming isn’t going to solve the problem/s nor will it make you feel any better. I know you get a sense of release/punishment but it’s not going to help in the long run. Remind yourself that every time you feel the urge to self-harm that it’s just a thought. You DO NOT have to act upon it. Self-harming will affect you emotionally, physically and mentally. It will only help for about 5 minutes. Then something else can happen to trigger the feeling again. Alternatives without harming yourself:
Holding/squeezing ice. 
Splashing your face with water. 
Getting a rubber band and snapping it against your skin (this could hurt, though it’s better than other ways that people usually choose to self-harm).
Take a hot shower or bath.
Eat something sour. It will take your mind of the urge. (Lemon, sour lollies) 
Massage where you want to self-harm.
Get a red pen or red paint and draw/paint over where you usually self-harm. 
Remind yourself as to why you shouldn’t do it. (Scars, harms organs, blood lose, leave memories etc…)
Describe what you are feeling. (Is the urge/pain in your chest, fists, legs, arms, head).
Killing yourself will not help. It is not a solution.For whatever reason you are thinking about killing yourself, it is temporary and you can get help. I know you probably think no one cares, you think you can’t handle the situation you are in or you feel helpless and alone. But I want to remind you everything is temporaryYou have your whole life ahead of you. You have so many more years that you can accomplish things in. For example; 
Having a family. 
Getting married.
To watch the sun rise. 
To watch the sun set.
To save someone else’s life.
Finish school.
Get your dream job.
To laugh.
To smile.
To go camping.
Travel to new places.
To wake up every morning to the person you love.
To keep that promise you made.
To accomplish a goal.
To meet your idle.
To listen to new music.
Theme parks.
Video games.
To be able to look back and say “I made it”.
Just a reminder; what you are going through is temporary. In case you need to hear this:
You are loved. 
You are wanted. 
You are needed.
You are beautiful.
You are handsome. 
You are important. 
You are not alone. 
You are okay. 
You are strong. 
You are worth it. 
You are smart. 
You are not a failure. 
You are useful. 
You are going to be okay. 
I’m always here for you. I’ll try my best to help and make you smile. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to know that you are not alone and there are people that can help. 




…Well, that’s one way to interpret things.

*thumbs up*
  • Grocery clerk: *scans a huge bag of marshmallows*
  • Grocery clerk: *scans a box of sugary cereal*
  • Grocery clerk: *scans a bag of circus peanuts*
  • Grocery clerk: So.
  • Grocery clerk: How many kids do you have?
  • Me:
  • Me:
  • Me: none
  • Me: *stuffs candy in my mouth and runs away*
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